Mind-block: perhaps the most common state I’ve been going through in the past three months. I sit to work, and my mind goes blank. I can’t even complete an application, or write up a brief report no longer than a couple of paragraphs – let alone translate one tiny sentence.
It’s like my mind jams then fizzes out, impacting the activity of my fingers which seem to comply to all that the mind tells it to – even when the heart is yelling something different. Sometimes it reaches a frenzy and tears explode – at times reinvigorating the system, launching a restart and making it function properly, other times destroying it even more – rendering my entire existence in breakdown mode.
I’m currently going through a mild mind-block, but I’m able to write, albeit not as much as I want to. I crave to write pages upon pages of coherent phrases on relevant topics. But that requires a certain intellectual stimuli which I lack, and until I gain it – if I do – I read. Or try to. Reading isn’t that much easier than writing when in a state of mind-block, your mind often drifts off elsewhere to places unwelcomed, secretly watching and observing, wishing it were there in the centre of attention like it once was. Or like it once believed it was. The only way to bring it back is to continuously break the truth to it – you were never ever centre of attention. If you ever were – you still would be. You never ever meant anything significant – but a fleeting infatuation by the one you rendered your better and most significant half.
I see many of my friends and acquaintances joining the club I once belonged to now that the season is here – their smiles, love-languid faces, the selfless love and honesty beaming out of every word and photo posted by them on social media – and my heart throbs. It wonders why it never felt that honest selfless love – and how it so easily overlooked it? The answer comes – because your love was selfless, your love was honest – so you thought that his was too. You overlooked everything to keep the peace and be with him. You let go of what defined you to make him happy, and when your esteem was crushed and you felt as worthless as a penny, you never pointed your finger at him, but at yourself for your complacency. You believed his finger which forever pointed the blame at you, and crushed yourself in the process. And now you’re in rebound.
You wish he knew how much you respected him. You wish he appreciated that even on the very last day – you could have spilled out everything and told everyone of the faults and the blame – of the sacrifices you made – and of all the times you kept patient because you knew he would never understand. You knew that if you tried telling him he was in the wrong, it wouldn’t be accepted well – so you kept silent and wept silently to yourself, but still loved. You wish he knew that you could have told everything. Like he did. But you didn’t. You respected him and his privacy when he didn’t. You didn’t want to cause him any hurt like he did to you. You didn’t want to play the blame game. You wanted to forgive and love and give another chance. But even then, he didn’t appreciate and slammed the door in your face with no explanation.
You thank God for saving you on one hand – and you cry to God for separating you from someone you loved because you knew he was so much more than the faults he magnified in you. You remain perplexed at your state, at him – at what happened. And all you wish for is clarity – clarity of mind and healing of the heart – so that the mind-block departs and you can get on with life, with bigger stuff that await you.
You know there are bigger stuff out there. You know your vision is long and great. And this time you won’t allow him, or anyone else to tell you that your vision is bigger than you. But you need to get up and force yourself out of this coma.
It’s been a long three months, almost. You can’t keep re-living the past. You know that you don’t want to – but when your mind wanders to that night when you were treated horribly – the night you thought would solve everything but rather destroyed everything – stop. You’re just breaking yourself. When your mind wanders to your wedding day, which the would-be second anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks – stop again. It was nice knowing him whilst it lasted, or not, but it’s not worth it. There are better times ahead. Better memories and anniversaries to look forward to. True love in all its essence awaits, now you know what fake, uncertain love feels like.
That song he once sent you “I Won’t Give Up” which made you fall head over heels for him over and over again that summer’s evening, yeah – he didn’t keep to his word. He broke all his promises even when you showed him relentless love which he claimed blew him away. But know, that God knows you’re worth it. Truly. And don’t give up on yourself.
God knows I’m worth it.
And the mind-block has lifted! All praises to the Lord.